I know we're gonna make it through.
And i would go to the ends of the earth
Oh, darlin', to me that's what you're worth
Okay... so those lyrics above are a rewritten version of the song Where You Lead, changed for Gilmore Girls to be more mother-daughter-closeness-y than subservient-girlfriend-follow-her-man-anywhere... y.
Where my daughter leads, I will follow. I'm writing this post in celebration of World Breastfeeding Week, but the expression (or lyrics?) hold true for my feelings about more than one parenting topic. With a number of things, we've decided to 'follow her lead'- like not doing Cry It Out, following her sleepy/awake cues instead of mandating scheduled nap times, doing on-demand feedings instead of scheduled, etc.
With breastfeeding, people have asked me when I'm going to stop. When she's six months? One year? TWO years?! My answer is that I don't know- I'm following her lead. Of course, I DO want to breastfeed for a year at the very, very least, because that's super duper healthy for her. When people ask this question, it's never been a concern about breastfeeding too little- most would correctly assume that if you've started out breastfeeding successfully, you could easily continue for a long time. The concern is over breastfeeding for *too* long.
This has been in the news lately, with a recent Time magazine cover showing a Mom breastfeeding her (four year old? Six year old? Can't remember) child. It's all kind of controversial, trendy, media-grabby, mommy-wars-propagating nonsense really (the cover shot at least). I've personally only received one negative comment- that if I let Bean breastfeed for as long as she wants, my boobs will be "down to here" (imagine a cooky aunt gesturing to her knees). My response was of course, "...so?" ....but I won't get started on THAT right now.
The plan so far is that I will follow where Bean leads, and when she's ready to wean, she will. I'm not worried. Just like I don't know any 16-year-olds who go to sleep with Mommy and Daddy, I also don't know any 16-year-old kids asking to borrow the car keys, but could they "please get a quick snack first" and start sucking on Mom's teet while the two settle on curfew times.
I believe in breastfeeding for as long as she wants to because A. nutrition and immune benefits; and B. bonding. Ohhh, let me talk about bonding for a minute...
I LOVE breastfeeding. I love the relationship we have. I cherish it deeply. You might think, "sure! You're a Kraft crunchy mama, of course you do!". And yes, while pregnant and before pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed and I would do what I could to make that work. However... things don't always turn out the way you'd planned...
I knew not to make a birth plan, because yeah... things will happen differently than what you want. But I never truly thought about breastfeeding, other than a passing, "we'll do it. If it's hard, we'll push through." Our labour experience with Bean ended up with tons of interventions that I didn't originally want (which I'm totally fine with and positive about, by the way... but more on that later). These interventions unfortunately also had an affect on breastfeeding.
Bean wouldn't quite latch correctly, so I was left with painful blisters that healed and reappeared over and over again. I never felt hormonal in my pregnancy, and I didn't and still don't even regard my 36 hour labour with 3.5 hours of pushing, a vaccuum aspirator, scalp clips, and episiotomy as really all that difficult... but breastfeeding was! For the first few days, I WEPT like a baby--- errr, worse, actually, because my baby really didn't weep!--- while trying and failing to breastfeed. I had no idea it would be that hard. And 'weeping' is such an appropriate term- I've never experienced it before. Those post-partum hormones are really something! I was so stressed out that this wouldn't work for us. At one point, I realized I was actually dreading each feeding. I would grimace and ask "again, already?!".
This went on for about a week. But then it got better, bit by bit, with the help and support of my amazing midwives, doulas, and family members. My midwife stayed with me an hour one time trying to force a correct latch. Once it did get better, I also realized something amazing- while feeding Bean, I would simultaneously pinch my breast so hard it was painful. I did this subconsciously to take away the pain from the breastfeeding. I only began to feel it once the latch was pain-free. I still think of it to remember not only how painful it was at the beginning, but also how committed (apparently!) I was to breastfeeding.
But even after that week, I felt a bit guilty, because even with the now pain-free latching, I wasn't feeling some intimate bond or connection with Bean. Sure- I loved looking at her, daydreaming about the future while I held her, and tried to savour the moment. But that ooey-gooey mushy endorphin lovey feeling? I didn't have that until a few weeks after birth, at least. I didn't feel that bonding and I was disappointed.
I'm not sure how much of it was the hormones, or because I was more recovered, but I did eventually get those feelings. I've never smoked, but I imagine a similar feeling of pure "Ahhhhhhh....". It's like having a hard day and then getting into a hot tub with your favourite beverage, book, and/or person. It's like getting up- ever so slowly- after a therapeutic massage. It is perfect relaxation. Perfect love. Perfect trust. Perfect unity. It makes the clock go by slower- but only in the most wonderful way- and you do savor every single minute of it. It's never a chore or a pain. I look forward to it every time.
And for the past few weeks, something new has happened during feeds. I'll be lying or sitting there, enjoying the "Ahhhh....", when I'll notice Bean isn't sucking anymore. I'll look down, and see her- head turned up away from the boob, milk drops on her chin- staring up into my eyes with the most content grin on her face. And we share this "look", eyes locked... she coos... time goes slower still... Of course, she will still have this "gaze" happening in other times during the day with her Dad and myself, where you both become engulfed in this cyclone of love-goo, but it is never quite the same as during breastfeeding. I can't put my finger on it or begin to explain the difference, but it's there. I know she feels that same closeness, bonding, and happy "Ahhhh" feeling as I do. My science-brain tells me "of course! It's biological. Promotes attachment, more protective instinct of the infant, better survival for the species" and etc. etc. But I don't care. The biological is spiritual.
So... no. Come her one-year, or two-year birthday, I'm not gonna take away the boob and force cake in her mouth instead. Just as this special bonding and relationship developed stronger over time naturally, so will the weaning--- naturally--- following her lead.
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