Regret (for my BFF)

Before May of 2011, I did not know what regret was. I could use it in a sentence, like, "I regret not seeing that movie", or "I send my regrets", but I truly did not know the depth of meaning of the word because I had not yet experienced it. I thought the word meant wishing that something else had transpired. Now I know it to mean so, so much more- sorrow, pain, and a very real and deep sense of loss.

I wish I still didn't know.

I indeed wish things had transpired differently. Even if we were to end up in the same place as we are now, I sincerely wish I would not have acted on my impulses and momentary anger. If I had had a day, even an hour, and truly thought it through and gained some perspective first... I might not have unleashed.

Face to face, or over the phone even would have tempered my response- social media did nothing but charge it up until it exploded.

Snakes are quick with a vicious and powerful strike, but I wonder how often that reaction is truly warranted.

I feel, and have felt, acute loss every day since. You always hear cheesy lines like, "I think about you every day", and blah blah blah. I thought that cannot be accurate. Turns out...

Don't get me wrong- I absolutely love my life, this wonderful and wondrous stage of life that I'm in, and all the people in it. When a loved one dies, the world doesn't stop and you don't stop living in it or loving it. But this does not change that I miss you every day. This does not change the memories I have or how bittersweet they've become. And thoughts are still there, like that my daughter would have loved you (obviously) and you her I think too.

Even if the end result would have been the same, I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had talked things out. We could have agreed upon a parting instead of a blow-apart infused with anger and hurt. That would have been better. Things certainly did not have to happen in the way they did, even if it was really just too far-gone for us.

I'm sorry for my actions. I'm sorry for this result. I'm sorry if I have ever caused you any of the feelings I've felt ever since.

I wish you happiness. I wish you some sense of closure. The most I can ever dare myself to hope for in the future is that if and when we run into each other, we are able to be civil and friendly, not awkward, but to acknowledge the good times for what they were with a smile and a head nod... "yep, that was fun..."

I don't know how long I'll feel this way. Ambiguous loss is a type harder to recover from than a clear-cut one, where closure was obtained.

I suppose this post will have to do for now.

Here's to you, my BFF. Even if the second 'F' ended up being shorter than I expected.