Where you lead, I will follow...

Loving you the way I do,
I know we're gonna make it through.
And i would go to the ends of the earth
Oh, darlin', to me that's what you're worth

Okay... so those lyrics above are a rewritten version of the song Where You Lead, changed for Gilmore Girls to be more mother-daughter-closeness-y than subservient-girlfriend-follow-her-man-anywhere... y.

Where my daughter leads, I will follow. I'm writing this post in celebration of World Breastfeeding Week, but the expression (or lyrics?) hold true for my feelings about more than one parenting topic. With a number of things, we've decided to 'follow her lead'- like not doing Cry It Out, following her sleepy/awake cues instead of mandating scheduled nap times, doing on-demand feedings instead of scheduled, etc.

With breastfeeding, people have asked me when I'm going to stop. When she's six months? One year? TWO years?! My answer is that I don't know- I'm following her lead. Of course, I DO want to breastfeed for a year at the very, very least, because that's super duper healthy for her. When people ask this question, it's never been a concern about breastfeeding too little- most would correctly assume that if you've started out breastfeeding successfully, you could easily continue for a long time. The concern is over breastfeeding for *too* long.

This has been in the news lately, with a recent Time magazine cover showing a Mom breastfeeding her (four year old? Six year old? Can't remember) child. It's all kind of controversial, trendy, media-grabby, mommy-wars-propagating nonsense really (the cover shot at least). I've personally only received one negative comment- that if I let Bean breastfeed for as long as she wants, my boobs will be "down to here" (imagine a cooky aunt gesturing to her knees). My response was of course, "...so?" ....but I won't get started on THAT right now.

The plan so far is that I will follow where Bean leads, and when she's ready to wean, she will. I'm not worried. Just like I don't know any 16-year-olds who go to sleep with Mommy and Daddy, I also don't know any 16-year-old kids asking to borrow the car keys, but could they "please get a quick snack first" and start sucking on Mom's teet while the two settle on curfew times.

 

I believe in breastfeeding for as long as she wants to because A. nutrition and immune benefits; and B. bonding. Ohhh, let me talk about bonding for a minute...

 

I LOVE breastfeeding. I love the relationship we have. I cherish it deeply. You might think, "sure! You're a Kraft crunchy mama, of course you do!". And yes, while pregnant and before pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed and I would do what I could to make that work. However... things don't always turn out the way you'd planned...

 

I knew not to make a birth plan, because yeah... things will happen differently than what you want. But I never truly thought about breastfeeding, other than a passing, "we'll do it. If it's hard, we'll push through."  Our labour experience with Bean ended up with tons of interventions that I didn't originally want (which I'm totally fine with and positive about, by the way... but more on that later). These interventions unfortunately also had an affect on breastfeeding.

Bean wouldn't quite latch correctly, so I was left with painful blisters that healed and reappeared over and over again. I never felt hormonal in my pregnancy, and I didn't and still don't even regard my 36 hour labour with 3.5 hours of pushing, a vaccuum aspirator, scalp clips, and episiotomy as really all that difficult... but breastfeeding was! For the first few days, I WEPT like a baby--- errr, worse, actually, because my baby really didn't weep!--- while trying and failing to breastfeed. I had no idea it  would be that hard. And 'weeping' is such an appropriate term- I've never experienced it before. Those post-partum hormones are really something! I was so stressed out that this wouldn't work for us. At one point, I realized I was actually dreading each feeding. I would grimace and ask "again, already?!".

This went on for about a week. But then it got better, bit by bit, with the help and support of my amazing midwives, doulas, and family members. My midwife stayed with me an hour one time trying to force a correct latch. Once it did get better, I also realized something amazing- while feeding Bean, I would simultaneously pinch my breast so hard it was painful. I did this subconsciously to take away the pain from the breastfeeding. I only began to feel it once the latch was pain-free. I still think of it to remember not only how painful it was at the beginning, but also how committed (apparently!) I was to breastfeeding.

But even after that week, I felt a bit guilty, because even with the now pain-free latching, I wasn't feeling some intimate bond or connection with Bean. Sure- I loved looking at her, daydreaming about the future while I held her, and tried to savour the moment. But that ooey-gooey mushy endorphin lovey feeling? I didn't have that until a few weeks after birth, at least. I didn't feel that bonding and I was disappointed.

 

I'm not sure how much of it was the hormones, or because I was more recovered, but I did eventually get those feelings. I've never smoked, but I imagine a similar feeling of pure "Ahhhhhhh....". It's like having a hard day and then getting into a hot tub with your favourite beverage, book, and/or person. It's like getting up- ever so slowly- after a therapeutic massage. It is perfect relaxation. Perfect love. Perfect trust. Perfect unity. It makes the clock go by slower- but only in the most wonderful way- and you do savor every single minute of it. It's never a chore or a pain. I look forward to it every time.

And for the past few weeks, something new has happened during feeds. I'll be lying or sitting there, enjoying the "Ahhhh....", when I'll notice Bean isn't sucking anymore. I'll look down, and see her- head turned up away from the boob, milk drops on her chin- staring up into my eyes with the most content grin on her face. And we share this "look", eyes locked... she coos... time goes slower still... Of course, she will still have this "gaze" happening in other times during the day with her Dad and myself, where you both become engulfed in this cyclone of love-goo, but it is never quite the same as during breastfeeding. I can't put my finger on it or begin to explain the difference, but it's there. I know she feels that same closeness, bonding, and happy "Ahhhh" feeling as I do. My science-brain tells me "of course! It's biological. Promotes attachment, more protective instinct of the infant, better survival for the species" and etc. etc. But I don't care. The biological is spiritual.

So... no. Come her one-year, or two-year birthday, I'm not gonna take away the boob and force cake in her mouth instead. Just as this special bonding and relationship developed stronger over time naturally, so will the weaning--- naturally--- following her lead.  

Half Kraft Crunchy, half Kraft Smooth

There are quizzes that make the rounds on the Internets, asking Moms, "how crunchy are you?". No, this is not asking how you would taste to a dragon. The more "crunchy" you are, the more hippy-ish you are, in regards to your beliefs and practices - i.e., crunchy = granola-eating = hippies eat granola = you're a hippy. Or something along those lines.

If crunchiness was somehow related to peanut butter, I think I'd be a piece of toast that had half Kraft Crunchy, half Kraft Smooth peanut butter. (I'm not crazy about granola, so just go with me on this one...)

For the Crunchy side of toast:

• We practice co-sleeping, and more specifically bed sharing. While pregnant I did lots of research on the subject, and I knew we would probably end up in some co-sleeping arrangement (Note: co-sleeping usually means having your child sleep in the same room with you). We started Bean out in the bassinet. She learned very quickly that sleeping with Mommy and Daddy would be much more comfy! Then we switched to co-sleeper insert for the bed, but it was too bulky. Finally, we've settled on side-car'ing, wherein the crib is attached to the bed. I know, I know, you've seen those advertisements with the baby basically hugging a knife in Mom's comfy bed, but... there are mucho problems with the accuracy of this. While there aren't tons of studies done on the plus-side to co-sleeping, there are some (increased arousability for infant which reduces SIDS, etc.) - but the same can be said for studies indicating the downside. Statistics unfortunately do not break down the deaths that occur "due to co-sleeping", such as what the co-sleeping situation was? Was a sidecar crib involved? Was baby sleeping next to Mom, or next to Dad? Was parental narcotic use involved? How high was the bed? Were their guard rails up? How soft was the bed? Were there many blankets and pillows around baby?. Ultimately, we are happy as this works for us.
• We breastfeed, and will do extended and exclusive breastfeeding (EBF) for some time, as we follow Bean's lead. I'm not even going to talk on here about how much I love breastfeeding and for so, so many different reasons (because I will make a whole post about it one day!), but yeah... LOVE for breastfeeding. This also means no other baby foods for at least the first six months, no formula, etc. I do not have specific goals such as breastfeeding for one year, two years, etc. I am going to just follow Bean's lead and go from there.
• We cloth diaper. Or at least, we are starting to. This boils down to two reasons: 1. it's cost-effective (saving an average of $2000 per child over course of the 'diaper years'), and 2. it's more environmentally friendly. Since Bean was in utero, I began giving a lot more thought to environmental sustainability, and what kind of world we will be leaving for her. Global warming is real with real human causes, and even if my cloth diapering will only have a teensy tiny effect, it's worth it to say to my daughter and kids one day that we tried to do what we could.
• We don't circumcise. This is something that is very important to me. And yes--- I know Bean is a girl. Just like we wouldn't cut off healthy genitalia from a baby boy for no reason other than cosmetic, we will not do this for our baby girls, either. Same goes for ear piercings- not as big of a deal, for sure... but to us, it is a procedure that inflicts pain (even momentary) for no other purpose than ascribing certain culturally defined gender roles onto an infant that cannot consent, and on an infant that we do not know if she chooses to identify with this type of gender expression. When Bean is old enough to take care of them herself and when we feel she can critically decide for herself whether she wants this done, we will deal with it then.
• We do the midwife route with doulas. I'll be making another post talking about this awesomeness in more specific detail, but just know we are all for the benefits they can provide over here.
• We babywear. Because it's developmentally healthy for Bean, and because it's so helpful for getting things done during the day!

Now for the Kraft smooth:

• We eat animals. This is probably the biggest one. I enjoy eating meat. It's not purely because of tastiness, but also because I am a lifelong picky eater (like--- the pickiest), and without meat, my diet would be even farther from balanced than it already is. That said, I do often feel conflicted about it and have some very interesting inner soliloquies in my head. Funny enough, this almost never happens when talking to vegans or vegetarians, but usually when I'm watching something like the Simpsons. I ultimately decide that humans are meant to eat meat as our ancestors did (and don't tell me we don't "need" to anymore... I know that. I also know we don't "need" to enjoy the outdoors, to engage in human reproduction, or a whole host of other things, but we still do...). I also decide that when and if I ever make more money, I will put aside more money for our grocery budget in order to buy more free-range organic products. Because no one can deny what happens at Big Business Bovine University is horrifying.
• We vaccinate. Probably the second biggest to break the crunchy streak, and also something I feel a little conflicted about. I don't feel conflicted because of the science - I DO think that the science is on the side of vaccinating, and that the speculated side effects like autism is just people grasping at straws when their kid gets such a diagnosis, in order to make sense of their world. Understandable reaction? Absolutely. Reflected by science? Unfortunately, no. It would be nice if that was the answer, but so far it doesn't look like it. The only reason I feel conflicted about is that I HATE to see my daughter in any degree of pain, even if it's for a good reason. She cries, I cry, it's a cry-fest. I wish we didn't have to, and I don't feel great knowing that we don't even have all the answers about these vaccines, but ultimately we do it and feel generally good about it.
• We don't use "all-natural" and organic stuff. Because let's face it, if you did, you'd have: A. no money left for anything else, ever, because that shit is expensive, and B. you'd have smelly armpits and a smelly mouth (natural deodorants and natural toothpaste is made from like, tepid water or cow spit or something because it does absolutely nothing of what it's supposed to do).
• We're not super spiritual, or into homeopathy. I'll agree that there are tons of natural remedies that DO work, however, as a favourite comedian/songwriter Tim Minchin sings: "Alternative Medicine ... Has either not been proved to work, Or been proved not to work.
  You know what they call "alternative medicine" that's been proved to work? Medicine. Before we came to tea, I took a natural remedy derived from the bark of a willow tree. A painkiller, virtually side-effect free. It's got a weird name, Darling, what was it again? Ma-Ma-Masprin? Basprin? Oh yeah, Asprin! Which I paid about a buck for down at the local drugstore."   And regarding spirituality, I think this is brilliant: "Science adjusts it's beliefs based on what's observed. Faith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved... Isn't this enough? Just this world? Just this beautiful, complex wonderfully unfathomable world? How does it so fail to hold our attention that we have to diminish it with the invention of cheap, man-made Myths and Monsters? And fine, if you wish to glorify Krishna and Vishnu in a post-colonial, condescending bottled-up and labeled kind of way that's ok. But here's what gives me a hard-on: I am a tiny, insignificant, ignorant lump of carbon. I have one life, and it is short
  And unimportant... But thanks to recent scientific advances I get to live twice as long as my great great great great uncles and auntses. Twice as long to live this life of mine, Twice as long to love this wife of mine..."

So, that about sums it up. Half Kraft Crunchy, Half Kraft Smooth. One kind of peanut butter would just be boring anyway.

A year ago today...

A year ago today, I took a pregnancy test. Actually, I took many that day. It started with the two you see above. Although faint and difficult to see, it was my first ever BFP- or Big Fat Positive.

Peeing on sticks became an obsession for me, and I took one each day after this BFP until the cheapie Internet tests ran out (I had bought them in bulk in preparation for TTC, or Trying to Conceive).

After all my research, and careful planning, including detailed cycle tracking (where I took my temperature every morning at the same time, checked my cervical position, its openness, and my vaginal discharge)... I couldn't believe we got pregnant the first month in. I didn't time anything on purpose.

But when it was 5 DPO (Days Past Ovulation) and I still had no signs of an incoming menstrual cycle, my cervix was high, firm, and closed, I thought maybe... just maybe...

I held off a few days, and woke up the morning of September 8th, 2011 very excited to test.

I drove my partner to work and came home to take the test "with only one question".

I was half expecting it, and half shocked. I'm still sort of shocked!

I uploaded the images, and inverted and enhanced them, to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. I ran out to the store and spent $40 on expensive pregnancy tests, First Response and ClearBlue Digital, and the cutest every teddy bear that I would use to tell DH (Dear Husband) the good news.

I took the Digital one and it gave me my beloved positive once again.

Later that day, I picked up DH from work and surprised him with a present "just because". He opened it and asked "wait... really? What? Is this positive?!" in disbelief.

And we began dreaming of our little one to be...

Best. Year. Ever. Can't wait for this one to top it!

Regret (for my BFF)

Before May of 2011, I did not know what regret was. I could use it in a sentence, like, "I regret not seeing that movie", or "I send my regrets", but I truly did not know the depth of meaning of the word because I had not yet experienced it. I thought the word meant wishing that something else had transpired. Now I know it to mean so, so much more- sorrow, pain, and a very real and deep sense of loss.

I wish I still didn't know.

I indeed wish things had transpired differently. Even if we were to end up in the same place as we are now, I sincerely wish I would not have acted on my impulses and momentary anger. If I had had a day, even an hour, and truly thought it through and gained some perspective first... I might not have unleashed.

Face to face, or over the phone even would have tempered my response- social media did nothing but charge it up until it exploded.

Snakes are quick with a vicious and powerful strike, but I wonder how often that reaction is truly warranted.

I feel, and have felt, acute loss every day since. You always hear cheesy lines like, "I think about you every day", and blah blah blah. I thought that cannot be accurate. Turns out...

Don't get me wrong- I absolutely love my life, this wonderful and wondrous stage of life that I'm in, and all the people in it. When a loved one dies, the world doesn't stop and you don't stop living in it or loving it. But this does not change that I miss you every day. This does not change the memories I have or how bittersweet they've become. And thoughts are still there, like that my daughter would have loved you (obviously) and you her I think too.

Even if the end result would have been the same, I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had talked things out. We could have agreed upon a parting instead of a blow-apart infused with anger and hurt. That would have been better. Things certainly did not have to happen in the way they did, even if it was really just too far-gone for us.

I'm sorry for my actions. I'm sorry for this result. I'm sorry if I have ever caused you any of the feelings I've felt ever since.

I wish you happiness. I wish you some sense of closure. The most I can ever dare myself to hope for in the future is that if and when we run into each other, we are able to be civil and friendly, not awkward, but to acknowledge the good times for what they were with a smile and a head nod... "yep, that was fun..."

I don't know how long I'll feel this way. Ambiguous loss is a type harder to recover from than a clear-cut one, where closure was obtained.

I suppose this post will have to do for now.

Here's to you, my BFF. Even if the second 'F' ended up being shorter than I expected.

Boba 3G (initial impressions)

When I was pregnant, I was really excited to babywear - a practice mothers use lots in Africa (and all over the world, too) to A. keep baby close to them, and B. actually get things done during the day!
It's not-so-much the norm in North America, but there is definitely a market for baby carriers out there which is ever increasing as it becomes more popular.

I wanted to babywear for the same reasons specified above. It fits right in with the attachment parenting philosophy myself and my partner follow (for the most part anyway - we're not diehards about it in some circumstances). Plus, there are sooo many benefits to it. A worn baby = a baby who is more often in the quiet alert state = great for brain development.

As my midwife and doulas would say, 9 months in the womb, 9 months on you (or something to that effect, anyway... Or is it affect? I've never been clear on that). Basically, babies want to be close to you for many months after birth. I'm thinking this was a lot easier when we all had fur and baby could just hold on to your back, but unless you're a Mama as hairy as Robin Williams, you kind of need another option...

Enter: Babywearing. For Christmas, when I was still pregnant, I was given a a Soft Structured Carrier (SSC) by the in-laws. Considering it's just a cheapie on the market, it was pretty decent. It was our gateway-drug for us on to more "hardcore" carriers.

I first purchased the Cuddly Wrap, mostly because I could get it for a discount price if you buy it the same day you have a prenatal massage (win win!). And, I thought it would be the only carrier I would ever purchase (ha!).

I started wearing it with her when she was 6 weeks old. While I loved the idea of this stretchy, hippy-looking wrap, there were aspects I didn't like. It took a while to tie properly, often with many adjustments to get it just right (definitely a learning curve on this one). It also got very warm to wear when you were out in the sun (even though the company says its "breathable fabric keeps you cool"... Not!).

After several hours of research and staring/awing at photos, I decided on the Boba 3G SSC in the kangaroo print. I decided on this one over the similar (and approx. same priced) Ergo, Beco, etc. for the following reasons:

-higher back than other SSCs, better for toddlers
-able to be used with newborns without the purchase of any additional insert
-the Boba pack, a special pack with many pockets that can clip onto the carrier, transforming it into a front/backpack or messenger bag when clipped to the side. Although discontinued, they are still "out there" for purchase and come in all the different Boba patterns.
-removable foot straps (again good for optimal feet positioning of toddlers).
-biggest waist strap range on the market, ideal for different-sized partners or if different-sized relatives babywear).

After having it for a couple of weeks now, I wanted to provide a brief review:

I love the pattern and the ease of putting it on. It is easy to do in a snap (literally! Just two buckles...) once you've adjusted it to your own proportions. The buckle around your waist makes the carrier feel snug and secure, and the buckle on the arm loops is one you can slide up or down, which makes it easy to reach back and undo yourself. Although my Bean is currently too young for the back carry in the Boba, I know I will be able to do it myself with a few practice tries. I also can tell she will really enjoy being on my back and able to look around. Unlike the Cuddly Wrap, I can have her in the Boba and run around the house furiously cleaning and not get very warm at all.

A couple cons... I've been assured this will not be an issue when Bean is bigger, but because the seat of the carrier is so wide (again, great for long-term Babywearers who want to wear their toddler), the edges of it tend to dig into her thighs a bit. It's not a big deal, but requires some thought about outfits as I make sure she is wearing pants if she will be in the Boba for periods longer than 10 minutes or so.

The biggest disadvantage is the type of fabric. We have three hairy fur-babies, and let me tell you... The Boba attracts hair like crazy. Even with careful hanging of the carrier, I still need to take the lint roller to it aggressively every couple of days. If you've got no pets, no problem, but if you can't stand a hairy-looking carrier, this might not be the carrier for you.

I plan to update this review once we've become more accustomed to it and to the back carry, and yes, I plan to purchase more carriers still (because Boba can't do hip carries, and I pretty much just can't stop!).