Moments like these, when she sleeps so close to me in her little sidecar crib attached to the bed, and she just doesn't feel quite close enough and I put my finger in the palm of her hand and feel her grasp it tightly and hold onto it, breathe a deep relaxed breath, and tears spill from my eyes and I think to myself just how much I love her more than anything...
A couple of years ago, when I was married for one year, with my husband for six years already, my ovaries all of a sudden kicked into high gear. They kicked me daily. The biological clock ticked through their kicking and it was so hard to wait to obey its calling, and I knew that I was ready to love my child more than anything else in this world, more than my partner, or at least in a much deeper, different way.
This is what I was waiting for. Moments like these. It is so, so, so worth the wait.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Moolah $$
I've never been a "big spender", especially on myself. I've never been into buying super name-brand clothing, or fancy shoes, or makeup, manicures, haircuts, etc. I currently have one pair of flip flops, one pair of sneakers, and one pair of winter boots. To me, shoes are too expensive if they are more than $30 (and even $30 is pushing it). I sooo don't replace my makeup every six months like I'm supposed to.
And it's not just because I am often at odds with the material girl culture where women are required to spend, spend, spend, to look good, good, good. Like the great Ani DiFranco sings, "I had to leave the house of fashion, go forth naked from its doors. 'Cuz women should be allies, and not competitors". Brilliant. Anyway, it's not just that, but also that I have a hard time justifying a purchase if it's just extravagance, and serves no other real purpose than vanity. So in my adult life, the purchases I've "splurged" on, or the ones I've been most excited about, have been things that I view as needed, or productive in some way- such as things for the house, like new paint, bed sets, lamps, etc.
Since becoming a parent not long ago to "bean" (what I'll call her for now on here), I've been really enjoying spending money on things for her, especially when I can get a good deal. I've found things like a Bumbo, jumperoo, playmats, etc. all for 50% off the new price or more. Although more rarely, I will also buy things new. More expensive things. Things that are more than my (and my husband's) yearly shoe budget combined. (actually... So far it's only been ONE expensive new thing, but you get the idea...)
Recently, It's been hinted by some that I should not be spending so much money on her. This bothers me.
This bothers me because of a few different reasons. Such as that the ones doing the "hinting" aren't really in a great position to judge- people that either A. Spend more on material things for themselves than I know they can afford to, leading to financial debt, or B. people who can actually afford the material things, but could definitely use putting the money into other more important areas
However, this is only my judgement of what classifies as "important areas", or "trivial materials". That is their business and while I might not personally agree with where their money goes, or think it's needed or the best use for it, I will not suggest to them to spend their money otherwise based upon my opinion.
Yes, I am on a limited income while on mat leave (and even while not on mat leave). Yes, I have bills to pay and occasionally fall behind on them (although this has most often been because of government/workplace error and not due to personal financial mismanagement).
However, that's my prerogative if I want to spend what disposable income I have on things for my daughter, or on financial savings for my daughter. Products that will encourage her healthy development, help give her joy, or help us to bond even closer. I would rather do this than spend the money on makeup or fashion.... And even hydro. I don't mind being a month late and paying the 2% interest on that bill. It can wait. Or paying a late fee on tuition and spacing out the payments over the course of the semester. What matters is that I am doing what I believe to be right for my family.
You spend your money the way you want to, and I'll spend it the way I want to. Please don't criticize me when you see me or Bean enjoying a luxurious baby item. I will have fun reveling in her joy, and my own joy at making parenting one smidgen more comfy, while I rock my split ends-laden hair and dirty $4 flip flops I purchased from Superstore last summer..
And it's not just because I am often at odds with the material girl culture where women are required to spend, spend, spend, to look good, good, good. Like the great Ani DiFranco sings, "I had to leave the house of fashion, go forth naked from its doors. 'Cuz women should be allies, and not competitors". Brilliant. Anyway, it's not just that, but also that I have a hard time justifying a purchase if it's just extravagance, and serves no other real purpose than vanity. So in my adult life, the purchases I've "splurged" on, or the ones I've been most excited about, have been things that I view as needed, or productive in some way- such as things for the house, like new paint, bed sets, lamps, etc.
Since becoming a parent not long ago to "bean" (what I'll call her for now on here), I've been really enjoying spending money on things for her, especially when I can get a good deal. I've found things like a Bumbo, jumperoo, playmats, etc. all for 50% off the new price or more. Although more rarely, I will also buy things new. More expensive things. Things that are more than my (and my husband's) yearly shoe budget combined. (actually... So far it's only been ONE expensive new thing, but you get the idea...)
Recently, It's been hinted by some that I should not be spending so much money on her. This bothers me.
This bothers me because of a few different reasons. Such as that the ones doing the "hinting" aren't really in a great position to judge- people that either A. Spend more on material things for themselves than I know they can afford to, leading to financial debt, or B. people who can actually afford the material things, but could definitely use putting the money into other more important areas
However, this is only my judgement of what classifies as "important areas", or "trivial materials". That is their business and while I might not personally agree with where their money goes, or think it's needed or the best use for it, I will not suggest to them to spend their money otherwise based upon my opinion.
Yes, I am on a limited income while on mat leave (and even while not on mat leave). Yes, I have bills to pay and occasionally fall behind on them (although this has most often been because of government/workplace error and not due to personal financial mismanagement).
However, that's my prerogative if I want to spend what disposable income I have on things for my daughter, or on financial savings for my daughter. Products that will encourage her healthy development, help give her joy, or help us to bond even closer. I would rather do this than spend the money on makeup or fashion.... And even hydro. I don't mind being a month late and paying the 2% interest on that bill. It can wait. Or paying a late fee on tuition and spacing out the payments over the course of the semester. What matters is that I am doing what I believe to be right for my family.
You spend your money the way you want to, and I'll spend it the way I want to. Please don't criticize me when you see me or Bean enjoying a luxurious baby item. I will have fun reveling in her joy, and my own joy at making parenting one smidgen more comfy, while I rock my split ends-laden hair and dirty $4 flip flops I purchased from Superstore last summer..
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Introduction (A.K.A. why the weird blog name?)
"I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done." ---Buffy Summers
Yes, that quote is attributed correctly. That beautiful quote, which also happens to contain a joke about cunnilingus, is from the final episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It inspired the title of this blog.
When I was little, I thought that adults were possessing of all knowledge. I'm sure many kids felt the same. I thought that there would be a certain point that I would hit where I would have all that knowledge, and be one of these perfect adults that existed around me. It wasn't until I started growing up, and learning more about the "flaws" these adults had (that they were really just human, and always erring, changing, growing, and erring again), and hearing this quote live as a teenager in my parent's basement during a Buffy-finale viewing party, that I began to realize there would be no such point. Like the heroine of the series, I was not "done baking". I was not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I was gonna turn out to be. At 25, I'm still not done baking. And, I'm not sure I will ever become cookies, but I'm sure as hell going to enjoy the slow and steady baking along the way.
This blog will focus on the things I typically obsess over on a daily basis- namely, topics such as:
-new mommy-hood (including my much-gushing over my new daughter, products for her that make my heart happy, and info and reflections on different parenting philosophies);
-feminism (which, in my opinion, encompasses most other things I believe in and attitudes I hold dear, including being gay and diversity positive, body-loving, intactivist(ish), anti-colonialist, and more...);
-research on said topics above (because I was born a social scientist and ADORE all things sex/gender/feminist/parenting research); and
-personal relationships.
It is because of the last bullet point that this blog, as of right now, will be private and/or (hopefully) anonymous-ish. I don't want any creepy strangers stalking my blog right now, or worse, certain people I know in real life doing the same thing. Oh, and I know it happens, because I admit to being one of those creepy stalkers. It's not that my intent is creepy, but it's just very interesting to read the innermost thoughts of people I know well and not-so-well. The whole psychology of it fascinates me. And if I intend to share personal things and the inner workings of MY mind, the anonymity is advisable right now.
I won't commit to posting a certain amount, and absences may happen. Typos WILL occur- not because I don't care (when in reality I'm a pretty harsh spelling/grammar police myself), but because I rarely have time to do anything on an actual computer anymore and shockingly, iPhone's autocorrect is simply not as smart as a New York Times editor team quite yet.
Many sentences will run on for longer than I could in real life, and will be prone to weird "isms", such as: "adding ish, ly, y, to non-verby words ism" (thank you Joss Whedon for forever influencing the way I speak!).
Lastly, I make no promises to be even the slightest bit entertaining. Enjoy! Or, not enjoy, whatever... :)
Yes, that quote is attributed correctly. That beautiful quote, which also happens to contain a joke about cunnilingus, is from the final episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It inspired the title of this blog.
When I was little, I thought that adults were possessing of all knowledge. I'm sure many kids felt the same. I thought that there would be a certain point that I would hit where I would have all that knowledge, and be one of these perfect adults that existed around me. It wasn't until I started growing up, and learning more about the "flaws" these adults had (that they were really just human, and always erring, changing, growing, and erring again), and hearing this quote live as a teenager in my parent's basement during a Buffy-finale viewing party, that I began to realize there would be no such point. Like the heroine of the series, I was not "done baking". I was not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I was gonna turn out to be. At 25, I'm still not done baking. And, I'm not sure I will ever become cookies, but I'm sure as hell going to enjoy the slow and steady baking along the way.
This blog will focus on the things I typically obsess over on a daily basis- namely, topics such as:
-new mommy-hood (including my much-gushing over my new daughter, products for her that make my heart happy, and info and reflections on different parenting philosophies);
-feminism (which, in my opinion, encompasses most other things I believe in and attitudes I hold dear, including being gay and diversity positive, body-loving, intactivist(ish), anti-colonialist, and more...);
-research on said topics above (because I was born a social scientist and ADORE all things sex/gender/feminist/parenting research); and
-personal relationships.
It is because of the last bullet point that this blog, as of right now, will be private and/or (hopefully) anonymous-ish. I don't want any creepy strangers stalking my blog right now, or worse, certain people I know in real life doing the same thing. Oh, and I know it happens, because I admit to being one of those creepy stalkers. It's not that my intent is creepy, but it's just very interesting to read the innermost thoughts of people I know well and not-so-well. The whole psychology of it fascinates me. And if I intend to share personal things and the inner workings of MY mind, the anonymity is advisable right now.
I won't commit to posting a certain amount, and absences may happen. Typos WILL occur- not because I don't care (when in reality I'm a pretty harsh spelling/grammar police myself), but because I rarely have time to do anything on an actual computer anymore and shockingly, iPhone's autocorrect is simply not as smart as a New York Times editor team quite yet.
Many sentences will run on for longer than I could in real life, and will be prone to weird "isms", such as: "adding ish, ly, y, to non-verby words ism" (thank you Joss Whedon for forever influencing the way I speak!).
Lastly, I make no promises to be even the slightest bit entertaining. Enjoy! Or, not enjoy, whatever... :)
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